All the news that’s fit to print, and then some
The Battle of Lesser Horkheimer
Another border incident provoked by San Maurician aggression, covered by our fashion reporting team of Wilhelm Fredrich von Kitten and Joan Rivers.
Joan: Well, Willie, it looks like King Louie Phillipe is at it again. You just never know when he is going to act up in public.
Willie: Are you kidding me? Have you ever been to Lesser Horkheimer? I say let him keep it.
Joan: Who cares who winds up with that trailer park! Lets talk about what everyone was wearing.
Willie: Yes, lets! Did you see the Elector’s infantry? Dark blue this and dark blue that, blah, blah, blah. I don’t think Lutherans should even be allowed to go to war if they aren’t going to take the trouble to dress properly. And what’s up with those Death’s Head Hussars? Black hat, black tunic, black pelisse, black stretch pants? Only an Ardoberger could find a way to make a hussar uniform boring. And, not for nothing, but some people shouldn’t wear stretch pants. I’m talking to you, Fritz. Lay off the strudel!
Joan: Oh, I know! And how about the British contingent? Can we talk? Simon’s Regiment of Foote in red. Palin’s regiment in red. The Hanoverian regiments in …wait for it…red. It’s like they’re all shopping at the same Walmart. And Lord Muggles accessorizing with that little dog that follows him everywhere. That’s so last year, sweetie. It’s been done. They could really learn something from the San Marisians. When their army takes the field it looks like a bomb went off in a pimp convention!
Willie: That’s right girlfriend! Even their horses are gaudy. The saddle cloths for the Horse Grenadier regiment look like that dress you wore to the party last week.
Joan: What! What! C’mere you little weasel!…..
Willie: Not the hair! NOT THE HAIR!…..
Continued on page 11
Editor’s note: The battle of Lesser Horkheimer was fought to a conclusion. There was some fighting and shooting. A lot of noise and smoke, and somebody won, or something.