To horse!

The Ardoberg-Holstein drillmasters are being kept busy preparing a new regiment of Curraissers to take the field. The new regiment, as yet unnamed, is being outfitted with uniforms as we speak. If time allows they will be taught how to ride and handle their weapons before the campaign season opens.

A theological discussion

Here we see the Elector having a theological discussion with his friend the Bishop of Ardoberg about the existance of Santa Claus. The Bishop holds that there is no such person. If that's true, argues the Elector, how can we explain the Christmas Day arrival of a new cavalry regiment on the eve of our campaign against San Maurice?

The newly recruited troopers appear to be Perry Napoleonic Curriassers who have had their heads replaced with Wargames Factory tricornes.

Ardoberg Enquirer - Gracious Dining section

The wolfman is once again active in the forests of southern Holstein. After several years without an attack the woodlands of that region are again a place of great danger for parties travelling through. Or at least for the slowest runner in each of those parties. When the attacks first took place a number of years ago an attempt to organize a party to hunt the creature down and destroy it were thwarted in court by the animal rights group PE?TA (Peasants Eaten? That's Alright).

Expert monster hunter Brother Murphy recently entered the forest with his cudgel for the purpose of converting the monster to Catholicism. but he hasn't been seen since, and the worst is feared. The Elector has dispatched the battalion of Carpathian Pandours to the region to deal with the threat, as they have experience in such matters. Opposition to this move by PE?TA ended abruptly when they were eaten by the monster on their way to meet with their lawyer.

The Bureau of Revenue by Any Means reminds our readers that, if you are a werewolf, you must obtain a license and pay the 25 thaler fee.

War declared!

Ardoberg Enquirer Special edition

War has broken out between Ardoberg-Holstein and its neighbor to the West, San Maurice. This unfortunate state of affairs is the result of the recent border incident at Lesser Horkheimer. Our military affairs correspondent has taken a break from covering details of the affairs the men of our gallant officer corps are engaged in so he can report on preparations for the coming conflict.

At this point, both combatants have 12 units available to take the field, with many more that can be mobilized in the coming months. The units available to Ardoberg-Holstein are:
Lieb Curraissers
Lieb Dragoons
Carpathian Hussars
Electoral Footguard
Ardoberg Grenadiers
Diefenbach Regiment
Wiesbaden Regiment
Saarbrucken Regiment
Pfalz-Zweibrucken Regiment
Kurmainz Regiment
Battery A, Artillery Corps
Battery B, Artillery Corps
Oops, did I say that out loud?

Hieland Laddies

Clan Haggis has been particularly unreasonable in the matter of accepting 'German George' as the legitimate king of Scotland and England. Each year on Saint Andrews birthday the 14th Earl of Glenallachie and hereditary Chieftain of Clan Haggis, 'Red Dougie' MacArdo raises the Jacobite standard on behalf of the 'king across the water'. The clansmen then run amok, stealing other peoples cows and sheep until the government regiments come out to fight. After a 'bluddie grrreat fecht', win or lose, the contented clansmen return to their remote glens and valleys for another year.

Ardobergers abroad

Young well born Ardoberg-Holstein gentlemen often spend a year or two serving as gentlemen volunteers in the wild regions of their British 'friends' empire. A good way to pad the resume and come home with exotic stories to impress the frauleins.

The British regiments attempting to pacify the Scottish highlands often include small numbers of these German adventurers.

Battle of Lesser Horkheimer

Ardoberg Enquirer
All the news that’s fit to print, and then some

The Battle of Lesser Horkheimer
Another border incident provoked by San Maurician aggression, covered by our fashion reporting team of Wilhelm Fredrich von Kitten and Joan Rivers.

Joan: Well, Willie, it looks like King Louie Phillipe is at it again. You just never know when he is going to act up in public.

Willie: Are you kidding me? Have you ever been to Lesser Horkheimer? I say let him keep it.

Joan: Who cares who winds up with that trailer park! Lets talk about what everyone was wearing.

Willie: Yes, lets! Did you see the Elector’s infantry? Dark blue this and dark blue that, blah, blah, blah. I don’t think Lutherans should even be allowed to go to war if they aren’t going to take the trouble to dress properly. And what’s up with those Death’s Head Hussars? Black hat, black tunic, black pelisse, black stretch pants? Only an Ardoberger could find a way to make a hussar uniform boring. And, not for nothing, but some people shouldn’t wear stretch pants. I’m talking to you, Fritz. Lay off the strudel!

Joan: Oh, I know! And how about the British contingent? Can we talk? Simon’s Regiment of Foote in red. Palin’s regiment in red. The Hanoverian regiments in …wait for it…red. It’s like they’re all shopping at the same Walmart. And Lord Muggles accessorizing with that little dog that follows him everywhere. That’s so last year, sweetie. It’s been done. They could really learn something from the San Marisians. When their army takes the field it looks like a bomb went off in a pimp convention!

Willie: That’s right girlfriend! Even their horses are gaudy. The saddle cloths for the Horse Grenadier regiment look like that dress you wore to the party last week.

Joan: What! What! C’mere you little weasel!…..

Willie: Not the hair! NOT THE HAIR!…..

Continued on page 11
Editor’s note: The battle of Lesser Horkheimer was fought to a conclusion. There was some fighting and shooting. A lot of noise and smoke, and somebody won, or something.